2008 NBA Playoff Outlook

It’s frustrating to be an NBA fan these days. Frustrating and lonely. The Western Conference race was the most exciting chase I can remember that didn’t involve a news helicopter and spike strips. Yet, I have maybe one friend who gives a damn about the NBA. I’m not sure why more people don’t care. ESPN thinks it’s because of an erroneous image problem. Or, maybe my friends are just retards. In any case, here are my predictions for the first round of the NBA playoffs. They are scheduled to start April 19, and conclude sometime around November 2013, I think.

(1) Lakers vs. (8) Nuggets
Normally, when you see a No. 8 seed against a No.1 seed, you would just chalk up an automatic “W” for the 1 seed and just move on. (Well, unless you’re Dallas. Sorry Mavs fans.) That’s not necessarily the case this year, as these teams were only separated by 7 games. Still, pitting Kobe Bryant against a team that gave up the 2nd most points per game in the entire NBA is a deadly combination. Sometimes it seems like Denver’s players would rather switch jock straps with each other at halftime than switch hard on a pick and roll. There’s a reason Marcus Camby has so many blocked shots- opportunity. There’s usually always an opponent moving unimpeded towards the basket. They do, however, have amazing fire power with Iverson and Anthony. I think it’s enough to win a game or two, but the Lakers will roll on in 5. It should be fun to watch the whole way through, though. There’s a distinct possibility that one of these games will turn in to a Kobe vs. AI or DUI (Anthony) quality one-on-one duels where both guys score in the 40s or 50s. It’ll be like “NBA Jam” in real life.

(4) Jazz vs. (5) Rockets
I have no idea how this Houston team won 55 games this year, much less pulled off 22 straight. There hasn’t been a level of overachievement this high since Lyle Lovett snagged Julia Roberts back when everybody was fooled into thinking she was smoking hot. The Jazz seems to have the edge in almost every department other than 2-guard and team nicknames that make sense. Still, Houston is a feisty team that has found a way to win with smoke and mirrors all year. However all mirrors, much like Yao’s feet every year, seem destined to break. Jazz in 6.

(3) Spurs vs. (6) Suns
Okay, this is what the NBA playoffs are all about. This series has me giddy. The Suns have the edge in the regular season series. However, the playoffs are a whole different animal. San Antonio has clutch players all up and down the roster, and nobody on Phoenix’s team can stay in front of Tony Parker. While the Shaq trade garnered much of the attention, the Spurs acquisition of Kurt Thomas may have been the shrewdest out of all the trades this year. He’s a big man who can play defense, and hit the outside shot. Shaq’s gonna have to come out to guard him. Still, Phoenix seems to have finally figured out how to utilize “The Big Cactus” when he’s in the game. When he’s not in the game, they should just have him lie across the Sun’s bench players so that they can’t leave the bench and gift another series to the Spurs like last year. Suns in 7.

(2) Hornets vs. (7) Mavericks
I must admit, I really haven’t seen the Hornets play much this year. It’s really not my fault. I blame the networks and their stubborn refusal to nationally televise a game that doesn’t involve the Lakers, Spurs, Suns, Mavs, Cavs, or Pistons. I mean, I could tell you how much hair Manu Ginobli has lost from week to week, but I couldn’t name you 7 Hornets players. I do know they have Chris Paul, David West, and Tyson Chandler, and they make a formidable three-some. However, when the only real playoff experienced player on the team has a reputation of choking magnificently, it’s hard to believe these guys are ready just yet. Peja chokes so often in big games he needs one of those lung valve things Mark Wahlberg’s character in “Three Kings” used. The Mavs know this is pretty much it for them, and should play with a sense of urgency. They are on the verge of being blown up if they don’t win big this year. Because of these factors, I like the Mavs in 7.

(1) Celtics vs. (8) Hawks
I’ve been looking for a Hawks fan who can actually give me a legitimate reason as to why the Hawks have a shot, but I’m having a hard time finding one. An actual Hawks fan, I mean. This series is a joke and a perfect example as to why the current playoff structure should be trashed. Celtics sweep.

(4) Cavs vs. (5) Wizards
How pitiful is the East that the #4 and #5 seeds in the conference average giving up more points than they score? Ugh. I guess this is where the new “There Can Only Be One” NBA playoff spots are supposed to get me excited about this series. Unless the winner of the series gets to behead the loser at midcourt “Highlander” style (There can be only one!!!!), I can’t muster up the effort to care. Other than the opportunity to watch King James destroy this team, this match-up bores me. Cavs in 6.

(3) Magic vs. (6) Raptors
Now this series has a chance to be exciting. It matches up 2 of only 4 teams in the east who averaged over 100 points a game. Howard vs. Bosh! Disney World vs. Jurassic Park! The Magic seems to have the better team here. Turkoglu is a lock to win Most Improved Player. It’ll look good next to Dwight Howard’s NBA Slam Lay-Up title (Sorry, but the “Superman Dunk” was NOT a freakin’ dunk!!!). I like the Magic in 5.

(2) Pistons vs. (7) Sixers
Sure, the Sixers have been a nice story down the stretch, but to quote The Rock “It Doesn’t Matter!!!” The Pistons quietly compiled the 2nd best record in the league while holding opponents to the fewest points per game in the league. Philly, on the other hand, has the worst home record of any playoff team. So they, um, have that going for them, which is nice. At least Philadelphians are known to be very supportive and understanding of the home team. Pistons in 5.