65* Thoughts on March Madness

* Actual number may vary (and by "vary" I mean "be considerably less"- But, since there are technically 65 teams in the tournament, and I'm feeling a little ambitious, what the hell let's give it a shot. )

1. There are actually some folks who have not filled out a bracket. We call these people "Un-American."




2. Brackets this time of year should be as mandatory as taxes. In fact, let's inact a law stating you have to send in a bracket with your return. Winner take all. What do you say?




3. The first Thursday and Friday of the tournament should be a national holiday. I'll gladly give up President's Day and Columbus Day to make this happen. I'm tired of using my vacation time in order to watch the games.




4. It's so great to be able to get out and get stuff done before the games on Thursday and Friday while everybody else is at...Okay, scratch #2.




5. The combination of all day basketball, cold beer, and going to get mediocre bar food served by young ladies in tight tops and ugly orange shorts are all you need to make cousins who haven't visited you since you got married show up. Again, this is a magical time of year.




6. Our Hooters waitress actually had on roller skates, and at one point the entire wait staff jumped up on the bar to do a rousing rendition of AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long." Combined with the skimpy outfits, is there no end the Hooters corporation won't go to denigrate these girls? I mean, at this point the ladies from "Two Girls One Cup" would probably find working at Hooters to be demeaning.




7. Washington D.C. should be ashamed of it's poor turnout during early Thursday games. It can't be due to the parking or lack of valet attendants. The one time I went to D.C., I had no problem finding someone to take my car off of my hands.




"Sir, if you'll just leave the keys in the ignition">>







8. How hard would it have been for CBS to schedule the games so that we could have basketball 12 hours straight? My glorious day of basketball viewing was interrupted after 5 hours by...Maury Povich???. In an act of protest, I passed out in a drunken stupor on my couch. To further express my displeasure, I boycotted the Duke/Belmont game*




9. *Boycott may or may not have been the result of me still being passed out.




10. "Picking the Chalk", meaning "going with all the favorites". Why have I never heard this phrase before the last couple of days?




11. Speaking of "picking the chalk," I'm loving "Siena and Davidson pickin'" Seth Davis and his smug chiding of Clark Kellogg for picking all of the favorites. I can't wait for Clark to get one right. He's taken such a verbal beating at this point that I wouldn't be surprised to see him jump up, spread his arms out wide, and scream "That's right muthaf****r!!! How ya like me now?!?" while Greg Gumbel puts his hand over his mouth, leans back in his chair, and yells "Oh, Snap!!." Hmm. Maybe I've watched "Yo Mama" on MTV too many times.




12. I've seen "Yo Mama" once, and that was way too many times.




13. And on the other end of the passion spectrum we've got Bobby Knight. It's fun to watch him when it isn't his turn to talk. He just sits there with an interest level of a guy in a department store waiting for his wife to try on her 78th outfit of the day.




14. He just looks so disinterested that I wouldn't be shocked if he just walked off set to go to the bathroom while Reese Davis was in mid-sentence. Only, he would still be mic'ed up so we could have a classic Frank Drebin in "The Naked Gun" moment.




15. So, at what point in your life are you esteemed enough that you can just wear a sweater on TV while everyone else has to wear a coat and tie?




16. I guess being the all time winningest men's basketball coach fits the bill, huh?




17. Anybody else surprised that it didn't take ESPN too long to use the sweater as a marketing opportunity? I'm fairly certain all of Coach Knight's sweaters at home didn't have "ESPN" stitched on them before he arrived on set.




18. Great Pitt pick, Coach Knight.




19. I'm pretty sure he did it just to piss Dick Vitale's "UNC loving" self off.




20. Roy Hibbert is looking more and more like the next "Great White Stiff." I didn't even know that was actually possible.




21. You gotta give it to Kevin Love. He's an amazing basketball player. Plus, he looks like he probably smells like stale beer when he sweats.




22. He reminds me of the guy you always see at the rec who dominates, but never wants to run a full court game when the other goal is open.




23. Michael Beasley is a dominating force in the college game, but there's no way he's a legit 6'10." Regardless, he'll still be the #1 pick in the NBA draft.




24. Unless of course it's Derrick Rose. You never pass up on a natural point guard of his calibur. Just ask the New Orleans Hornets or Utah Jazz fans what a great young point guard can do for your team.




25. Given NBA team track records, however, it'll likely be some young foreign player who plays 6 minutes a game in some Euro league against guys who smoke cigarettes on the bench or miss games because they can't find a babysitter.




26. If the commercials shown during the tournament games were a basketball team, it would be one with a very short bench. Your starters would be 1) The "Hey Buddy" spot from AT&T, 2) Chevy driving Howie Long mooching lunch off of his accountant 3) "Dudemadness" from Bud Light, 4) The guy watching TV outside (??) ordering frozen pizza from his wife, 5) The ages old Enterprise commercial. (Can somebody please go rent a car from these folks so they can splurge on a new commercial??). Off the bench would be the "special powers" Bud Light adds, and the "I'm an idiot 'cause I don't have good reception" AT&T adds. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for your 2008 March Madness commercials!!




27. Oh, and CBS seems to be really hyping these little shows called "CSI." Never heard of them, but I hope they do well.



28. So, how's everybody's Women's bracket looking?



29. Stephon Curry seems to be able to shoot. In other breaking news, Februarys in Chicago are usually cold, and people generally like having lots of friends and lots of money.




30. That scintillating WKU and San Diego matchup in Round 2 is why the NCAA seems to try to pit mid-majors against each other as much as possible.




31. Coming up with 65 different thoughts is hard




32. I mean really hard.




33. Real, real hard.




34. I bet Roy Williams wishes he could bottle up some of that offensive efficiency he's enjoyed the last couple of games. The law of averages dictates that it won't last.




35. Tyler Hansbrough reminds me of over competitive friends I had that I hated to play basketball with because they would always take it too seriously. As I consequence, I would always seem to inadvertently take an elbow to the jaw. I'm looking at you, Nichols!




36. West Virginia's Joe Alexander is an impressive player. He has great all around skills and a wingspan that is surpassed only by his earspan.




37. Stanford will have to win 6 straight national championships and 17 straight Double-Duece level bar brawls before I ever think of them as anything other than too soft to win a title.




38. Throw Kansas in there as well. Not because I think they're soft, but because hanging your hopes on them is like driving your newly "pimped out" ride that still has a 300k mile old engine in it. It may look all nice and slick, but you still don't want to trust it.




39. Texas, you've done nothing to gain my trust either.




40. Wisconsin's style of play sets the game of basketball back 100 years. Is there any truth that the rims in their practice facility have been replaced with actual peach baskets? That's what I heard. I'm just sayin...




41. Who knew that a major American sporting event could be totally disrupted by a curtain being opened a couple of inches? C'mon Joey Dorsey, we played the SEC tournament during a freakin' tornado!




42. So Hubert Davis is picking the Hilltoppers to topple UCLA?? In other picks, he likes the Washington Generals on the road and has advised us to not give up on Betamax just yet.




43. Don't write off Tennessee just yet. They were the best team in the SEC. I know, I know. That's kinda like being the smartest kid in Special Ed, but still...



44. Okay, I must admit that I haven't really seen Washington State play before, but they're an intriguing team. They're defensive numbers are ridiculous. Classic clash of styles agains UNC.


45. Particularly Derrick Lowe, who gets my "Billy Ho" award for "The guy who looks least likely to be able to play a lick, but can actually really ball."


46. So I gotta choose between an AT&T smart phone, or having a big Nordic dude named Sven living in my house? Okay, you've sold me, AT&T. I'll take the phone.


47. Uh oh. Tyler Hansbrough has only two more points than I do at the half, yet UNC still leads by 14. So...when's the next game come on? This baby's already over.


48. Can Clint Black, as a stand-up comedian, make me laugh? Maybe, but probably not for the reason he hopes.


49. "Five dollar foot long" Hmm... Either Subway is having a pretty good sale on sandwiches, or Dirk Diggler is having trouble finding work again.


50. Okay, so the one year I don't pick Xavier to be my darkhorse, they manage to get to at least the Elite 8, knocking out my darkhorse for this year-West Virginia. Thanks guys. Seriously.


51. Has there been a more disgusting scene in a commercial than the guy wiping the bleu cheese dressing off the other guy's beard with his finger in the Sheridan ads? Perhaps the "Scarred" promos on MTV? I don't know. I still think I'd rather watch some guy's tibula pop out of his leg than watch that part of the Sheridan ad again.
52. Okay, I guess it's now officially acceptable to count out UT. Well, Hubert Davis hasn't just yet.
53. Another stellar pick from the ESPN studio crew goes down in flames. They should really just have 4 women that know nothing about basketball but always seem to win the office pool run the show. "Western Kentucky? No way! Have you seen how pretty UCLA's uniforms are? If you look good, you feel good. If you feel good, you play good. I'm going with the Brewers, or whatever they're called."
54. Well, I just lost my first final four team of the two brackets I submitted in our office pool. Wisconsin. What was I thnking? Man, I gotta quit drinking on my lunch break.
55. Okay, Memphis just graduated from "Yeah, they're a good team, but..." to "Holy Hell! They could actually win this whole thing!"
56. The elevated court in Reliant stadium is proudly brought to you by the Texas Personal Injury Attorney's Association. How is that thing even remotely safe?
57. In the words of the great American thespian and philosopher Wesley Snipes, "Always bet on BLACK." I'm assuming BLACK is an acronym for Big-10 Losing Another Classic butt Kicking. I know the "B" doesn't work in there, but for all of the many wonderful talents possessed by Wesley Snipes, coming up with acronyms is not one of them.
58. If anybody says anything to you that sounds something like "Man, I knew Davidson was going to make it this far, but I changed my bracket at the last minute", you have my permission to call them a liar and punch them in the throat.
59. UCLA is the first team through to the Final 4- They make winning ugly look so pretty.
60. UNC is the second. Hansbrough finishes the game with 28 pts, 13 boards, 2 steals, and an awkward marraige proposal from a gushing Jay Bilas.
61. Please become an organ donor. Dick Enberg needs your eyes to be able to see the game he's being paid to call. Sheesh.
62. Memphis looks unstoppable right now. Derrick Rose is probably the best point guard in the country, and is unquestionably the best player in America who's voice has not yet completely changed. Needless to say, his interview kind of shocked me.
63. Slow clap for Davidson, everybody. If they ever have a Pre-pubescent all star team, Curry and Rose are locks for the backcourt.
64. Well, I got all 4 Final 4 teams right on one of my office pool brackets, putting me in first place. Why am I not excited? Because I got UCLA beating Kansas in the championship game. Just don't see that happening right now.
65. Memphis makes UCLA look slow. Kevin Love just cemented himself in history. Well, if by "history" you mean to be on the 2008 Memphis highlight tape as the guy who got viciously dunked on.
66. Kansas starts out on fire. I would be more impressed, but I keep getting distracted with the tune "I feel for You" every time Sasha Kaun's name is mentioned. "Sasha Kaun-Sa-Sa-Sasha Kaun"
67. Okay, so maybe coming up with 65 thoughts was easier than I thought.
68. Great Championship game. It never fails to amaze me that guys that can concentrate enough to complete a 3-point play when fouled by 7' big men can't hit a free throw.
69. There are 50 year old guys in suburbs across the country who are just itching to take Memphis on in a game of HORSE. All free throws, all the time.